Heading Into The New Year Without You

The words ring loudly in my ears as the clock strikes midnight. Everyone shouts “Happy New Year” as glasses clink and toasts are shared around the room. I feel the tension in my heart and while I’m trying to find joy in the moment I can’t help but think that I’m heading into the new year without you.

There’s a tug of war pushing and pulling on my emotions this year. I’m in search of hope and there’s an element of curiosity and excitement that always shows up with a new year. But, I’m also hesitant and my heart feels heavy as I struggle to move forward and embrace a new year knowing you won’t be here.

My mind feels like a jigsaw puzzle that is strewn across the floor. Everything is in disarray and if I slow down enough to pay attention, my emotions are all over the place and quite the mess.

For some, the stroke of midnight brings celebration and cheer. For others, it’s a time of sadness, emptiness and fear. For me, it was a reminder that the year my mom died is coming to a close and I’m walking into 2023 without my mother and the reality of that truth is sometimes hard to bear.

My mother won’t be here to enjoy her 80th birthday, watch her great grandchildren grow or watch her beloved Vikings make it to the playoffs this year. She isn’t here and while I carry her in my heart, she will miss out on so many things in the new year and I’m struggling to accept that.

This new year feels different for me. It’s a new beginning but sadly, it’s a new beginning without my mom and the harsh reality that she won’t be here making new memories with her friends and family hurts.

As the remnants of New Years Eve hangs above my head, I am slowly edging my way into the new year feeling a bit empty and melancholy. Grief immediately reached for my hand and reminded me of all that has changed in the past couple of months.

The hole in my heart is deep and while I have moments of laughter and joy, I feel overwhelmed and sad every time I think about her. The truth is, I still can’t believe it’s real. I don’t want to believe it’s real. I don’t want to be a motherless daughter; I just want her back.

I know I’m not alone and I know there are so many of you out there who struggle with missing someone as you head into the new year. I know you know the emptiness and the ache. I know you know the longing and wishing for what was and I get how hard it is to find your place in this new and different world. A world without your loved one and filled with grief.

There’s an element of vulnerability and fragility that shows up when you are desperately hanging on to the past while you stumble forward into a new and different life. Everything feels unpredictable, and in part, every new day in 2023 feels like you are being pulled farther away from when your beloved was here.

To know that time marches on regardless of loss is unsettling and it can be difficult to keep up or fit in.

I’m sorry for your pain and while I can’t take your pain away, please know I understand. Be extra gentle with your grieving heart. Walk carefully into each new day and remember to meet yourself right where you are in the new year. It’s my hope you will find moments of peace and joy alongside your grief and as you learn to navigate life without someone who meant everything to you.

There’s no rushing through the journey of grief and even though it’s a new year, the grief will remain. But so will the love.

With love-

Michele