The Wisdom of Grief
Life is full of lessons that open up our hearts and minds. Lessons that can serve as a much needed guide when life takes unexpected twists and turns. But what happens when those twists and turns bring the pain of loss and grief?
It’s taken me years to realize that while grief is hard, there are many lessons to learn and deep wisdom that comes with loss and grief. Even when it’s not easy to see.
This can be a slippery slope and especially in the acute phase of grieving the loss of someone or something you love. The pain of loss can be so intense it often feels impossible to find wisdom in anything from one moment to the next.
With that being said, the lessons and the wisdom are there. Patiently waiting to be seen and heard.
The wisdom of grief did not find its way to me for many years. I had experienced the pain of loss and grief several times before I had the awareness to peel the layers of grief back and truly look deep from within.
A devastating loss often comes with a thick fog and it’s easy to become lost in the middle of a maze feeling like there’s no way out. Exhaustion sets in and can last for a very long time making it difficult to observe or take in much of anything that’s going on outside of ourselves and the pain we are in.
However, the sharp edges of grief eventually soften and things won’t always feel as intense or raw. Eventually it becomes easier to carry the weight of grief and the dense fog starts to burn off and clear. Eventually, the wisdom of grief shows up in the smallest of ways when you are ready for it.
One of the biggest lessons born out of the pain of loss and grief is the importance of compassion. Compassion for others who are now walking the journey of grief.
But, we live in a world that often turns its back on the grieving. People are uncomfortable with it and somehow it feels safer to push grief away.
Sadly, people won’t completely understand or get it until they personally experience the deep pain of loss and when they do, small doses of compassion for others slowly appear.
Sometimes, wisdom shows up years later and recently that happened to me.
My Grandma Eve died 14 years ago. She was one of my favorite people in the world and losing her was difficult for our entire family. She was my mom’s mother and the two of them were extremely close. The relationship went far beyond mother and daughter. The two of them were both widows, best of friends and they were inseparable.
Looking back, I now realize that my mom must have been in so much emotional pain. She lost her rock, her confidant, and her friend. She lost her mother.
Even though I was an adult and had experienced many devastating losses by then, I still didn’t recognize how big of a deal it was for my mom to lose her mom. I was too consumed by my own grief and of course, like most mothers do, my mom hid her pain and became the caretaker for everyone else’s grief.
I hate to admit it but I don’t remember asking my mom how she was doing after losing her mom. I didn’t check in with her or lend a shoulder for my mom to lean on. We never had a deep discussion about the loss and like so many losses in life, everyone went back to their own lives and tried to move on.
Thinking about this now hurts my heart. I now know the deep and unimaginable pain of losing my own mom. It’s a loss that has cut so deep I sometimes feel like I can’t breathe. My heart is broken and I miss my mom every single day.
I get it now and it took the loss of my own mother to truly understand the enormity of it all. It’s true that I lost my grandmother too, but I should’ve been there for my mom. I should’ve checked in and listened more. I should’ve known how difficult the loss of her mom was for her.
Unfortunately, this happens all the time after loss. People often fail to recognize how painful and lonely a heartbreaking loss can be.
We need to keep changing the conversations in and around grief. We need to normalize grief and shower those who are grieving with compassion, kindness and love. Far beyond the day of the funeral.
The tough work of grief is just beginning after everyone else goes home and back to their lives.
Losing my mom in October is one of the hardest and most painful losses I’ve had to go through and the hole in my heart runs wide and deep. It doesn’t matter that it’s been a couple of months, I hurt every day and the tears continue to fall.
People have slowly stopped checking in and the world keeps spinning even though my world has changed and parts of it stopped the day my mom died. Losing my mom changed me and there are days when the pain is hard to describe.
I’m pretty sure my mom felt the same pain after losing her beloved mom. And, if given the chance to go back in time, I would’ve shown up so much more for her and showered her with more compassion and checked in.
I can’t change the past but I can continue to learn from it. There’s wisdom in grief if we just open our eyes. It’s true that you have to be ready to see it, but when you do, it can be a gift for others and when they need it the most.
Some of the most loving, patient and compassionate people in the world are those who know the deep pain of loss and grief. It’s our fellow grievers who truly get it and will continue to show up without unrealistic expectations or judgement.
It’s the hearts of those who grieve that provide the most shelter in the middle of the darkest storms.
All of my losses have taught me something and with every loss I have changed and, it’s because of loss and grief that I’m the person I am today. It’s because of loss and grief that I know how important it is to show up for others for as long as they need. It’s because of loss and grief that I know how priceless the gift of compassion is.
If you’re hurting from the loss of someone you love, please know your grief matters and I’m here for you. I’m sorry for your pain and while you may feel alone, there are so many others who get it and understand all you’re going through.
We are all in this together and we need each other. There’s comfort in community and there’s healing through connection.
As I write this knowing I can’t change the way I handled the loss of my grandmother years ago, I have to believe my mom is reunited with her and they are enjoying donuts and coffee while watching the Vikings game today.
I miss them both terribly and mom, I get it now. I now know how much your heart hurt after losing your mom because losing you broke my heart in two. I love you mom and thanks for continuing to teach me and guide me even though you’re no longer physically here.
Sending love to all of you and please know how much I care.
With love -
Michele