Love is one of the most amazing and beautiful things in life. It can also break a person and when it turns dark, it can ruin lives. Human beings need connection and they need to feel loved. But what happens when things go bad? In truth, breaking-up is hard to do.
Sadly, some people crumble falling into a deep abyss of depression. Others become obsessed and turn to revenge. And then there are those that stay in a relationship gone bad far longer than they should.
Love and relationships can fall apart for many reasons but regardless of the why, the end can be difficult. Even when a relationship is no longer good, a divorce or breaking-up can be incredibly painful. It represents the loss of a partnership but also can lead to the loss of a commitment made or dreams two people shared. Invariably, when a relationship comes to an end, most people will experience some level of sadness, disappointment and stress.
So, why do some people handle breaking-up better than others? Why are some people able to pick up the pieces, move on and grow from the experience versus falling apart? Why do others hang on regardless of how toxic or unhealthy the situation might be?
Breaking-up or divorce leads into unchartered waters. Everything changes and life as you knew it is suddenly disrupted. Routines, relationships, friends, family, responsibilities and your home life are different. In addition the end of a relationship can steal your identity. Suddenly, life is filled with uncertainty, fear and grief.
Not only do questions take over our hearts but irrational thoughts fill our minds. Will I be alone? Will anyone love me again? How will I afford living on my own? Am I good enough? Sadly, fears and uncertainty about the future can lead people to believe that they are better off staying put and not ending the relationship at all. Consequently, the unknowns sometimes seem worse than being in an unhappy,unhealthy or toxic relationship.
In the end, it is never easy to end a relationship and most people will, at some point, fall prey to a broken heart. It will feel like your heart will never heal and the hurt will never go away. However, it is important to remember that you can heal, move beyond the grief and eventually you will be okay.
If you are struggling with a breakup, divorce, failed relationship or trying to walk away from one, here are some important things to keep in mind:
- There is never a good reason to stay in a physically or emotionally abusive relationship. If you are with someone who causes you pain and suffering in any way it is important to get out and remove yourself from the situation. There should be ZERO tolerance for any type of abuse. If you are in a dangerous situation, get help. There are many resources available to help those in a toxic situation. In reality, far too many people stay silent and stay until it is too late.
- The end of a relationship leads to loss and loss leads to heartbreak and pain. Additionally, loss leads to change and change leads to grief. In most cases it is unavoidable. Loss is a part of life and when things come to an end most people will grieve. It is important that you take the time to grieve. Unfortunately, far too many people stuff their pain, hide their grief and delay dealing with the emotions that suddenly invade their lives. Avoiding the grief simply prolongs the pain.
- Talk about your feelings. It is easy to hold thoughts and feelings in verses share them or talk about them. Find people who you trust and can talk to. Surround yourself with people who are positive, love you and care. Try to avoid spending too much time alone and while it is important to give yourself time to heal, it can be helpful to get out, socialize and have some fun. Isolation will only add to the sadness and grief you already feel.
- Avoid the toxic feelings that can and will keep people stuck in a place they no longer want to be. We have all heard the stories of relationships that have gone bad resulting in abuse. obsession and revenge. Pay close attention to ALL of your emotions. The negative feelings of regret, blame, anger, hostility and revenge will lead to nowhere and will create barriers that make it impossible to heal and move on.
- Take care of YOU. It is important to practice self-care following the end of a relationship even if it was necessary or the right thing to do. Regardless of the reason, it still hurts and healing will take time. Immerse yourself in things that you love and spend time doing things you enjoy. Exercise is a wonderful outlet. Take a yoga class or get out for a walk once a day. Spend time surrounded by the beauty of nature. Take a hot bath. Get a massage. Light a cozy fire and sip a glass of your favorite wine. Watch a really good movie or read a book. Plan a trip whether it is for a week or a weekend getaway. Volunteer. Write in a journal. Laugh. Dance. Sing. Cry if you need to. Spend time with friends. Find your passion and do it. Give to others; without a doubt, it is good for the soul.
- Be kind and live in gratitude. Again, there is ALWAYS something to be grateful for. Even when things seem the darkest, there is something to be thankful for and appreciate. It can be as simple as the sunset or that you have food to eat or a place to sleep. Find those things and remember them. Instead of focusing on what you don’t have focus on all that you do.
- Be positive. Negativity will suck the life right out of you and it will delay healing your heart. Pay attention to the thoughts going in and out of your brain. Studies have shown that we have a minimum of 50,000 to 60,000 thoughts per day and sadly, up to 80 percent of those thoughts are negative. Self-awareness is key. Work on replacing negative thoughts with positive ones. You will find more joy even when you are hurting.
- Grow and learn. Tough things in life can lead to tremendous growth and when we are willing to look at things with an open mind and shift our perspective, there are lessons to learn. There is wisdom in our wounds. Look for it and let it guide you in your journey or healing and transformation.
- Know the difference between feeling sad and grieving versus depression. When left untreated or ignored, depression can lead to all kinds of problems and it can lead a person to feel alone and submerged in a deep dark hole that they cannot climb out of. If you are feeling really depressed or without hope, get help.
- Fear can keep you stuck. Far too many people stay in a relationship far longer than they should because of fear. Fear of being alone, fear of financial burden or fear of change can keep you stuck. Fear is normal but it is important to remember that fear will stand in the way of true happiness and keep you miserable in a place you should no longer want to be. Let fear motivate you and take that energy to propel you to new opportunities and new dreams. You may be surprised at what you will discover and find.
- You are stronger than you think. Find your courage and believe in who you are. You deserve to be loved and to be happy. Go out and find it.
- Use this time to fall in love with yourself. Marinate in you for a while. Learn to spend time with YOU and remember, you cannot truly love another unless you first love yourself.
The end of a relationship is never easy and can cause significant life changes and pain. It literally can feel like your heart is broken into a million little pieces and leave you questioning if you can put it back to gather again. YOU CAN. You will be okay and there is an entire world waiting for you. There are amazing people to meet, new places to visit and unforgettable experiences to discover and find.
It is sometimes because we find the courage to say goodbye that we are finally able to say hello to so many new things in life. Closing one door opens another and when you least expect it, you may be find someone pretty special when you are finally free and turn the next corner.
Human beings need to be loved and need connection. I need it. You need it. We ALL need it. With that being said, if you are in a relationship that is robbing you of those things, find your courage, and with faith, find the strength to say goodbye. You will be OKAY.
In Peace and With Love,