Caution - Grief Ambush Ahead

Grief is sneaky. It is unpredictable and sometimes, it sneaks up on you when you least expect it and at the most inconvenient of times. It would be nice if there was a warning of a potential grief ambush ahead. But that’s not how grief works.

I was sitting in my office last night clearing out my desk drawers and filing a bunch of paperwork away. One of the drawers housed paperwork, old bills, medical information, and notes from the Fall of 2022 when my dear mom died. Truth be told, I had avoided cleaning out that drawer for months. I didn’t want to open that drawer or face the contents of what was inside.

Last night, I slowly opened the drawer and reluctantly pulled everything out. I found a piece of paper where I had hastily scribbled out notes as the doctors tried to explain all that was going wrong and as they struggled to stabilize her and save her life. Copies of the death certificate, hospital bills, a few pictures, and her insurance cards lay scattered in front of me - and without warning, a powerful wave of grief hit.

I burst into tears and an ambush of raw grief rolled into a full on sob. Honestly, I wasn’t expecting to feel so upset in that moment and it caught me off guard.

But that’s how grief works.

You can be doing okay for days at a time, and then boom, a powerful wave of grief slams into you and knocks you down.

The smallest of things can set off a grief ambush and yes sometimes it’s at the most inconvenient of times. It can be a smell, song, picture, place, the weather, a hospital bill, food, a card from your loved one, a holiday or watching a movie.

Shopping at a grocery store or attending a concert can stir grief up and before you know it you are looking for the nearest exit in tears.

Grief will ebb and flow. It rises and falls. There are days when grief is screaming loudly to be heard but there are also days when it hums softly in the background and it’s harder to hear.

Grief is unpredictable and it certainly doesn’t follow a straight line. It’s messy and it doesn’t always care what you are doing or who you are with.

But here’s the thing. With time, grief will soften and even when grief ambushes you without warning, you will learn to better navigate the ambushes and they won’t always be as intense or last as long. They may still come out of nowhere and catch you off guard, but you will have come to know that you can and will survive and get back up again.

I sat at my desk for a few minutes and I gave myself permission to feel and cry. I held my mom’s picture and I let grief ambush me for a while. I hadn’t cried for a couple of weeks and I needed to get it all out. I needed to let the waves of grief wash over me and sit with the pain.

Eventually, the tears subsided and I decided it was time to wrap up in her blanket and turn on one of my favorite shows. The ambush didn’t last for the entire night and when I fell asleep, I said goodnight to my mom and sent her light and love.

I share this with you because I know how painful losing a loved one is. I know how difficult life can feel (even years later) when those grief ambushes hit. I understand how lonely the journey of grief can be and I know it’s really hard to live life without your loved ones by your side.

It’s important to give yourself permission to feel and to grieve when grief sneaks up on you. Embrace those moments and remember why grief is here. Grief ambushes you because you love someone so much it hurts. Grief ambushes you because someone mattered and made a difference in your life. Grief ambushes you because you will always miss them and wish they could come back to you.

Initially, I thought it would be nice if there was a caution - grief ambush ahead sign to help warn all of us when a grief ambush is on approach. However, I have come to believe it’s better to embrace it rather than avoid grief or the memories that might set an ambush off. Grief isn’t something to avoid and the memories we carry are an important link to our loved ones that help us to honor their legacy and keep the connection strong. Even after death.

Please know that I’m here and while no two losses are the same, I understand how deep the ache of loss runs. My heart will always stand in solidarity with yours and I’m always sending you encouragement and love.

Michele