I Wish I Knew Then What I Know Now

I’m sitting on a patio at the Ojai Valley Inn staring out at the snow capped mountains and rolling green lawns that seem to stretch out for miles. It’s so peaceful here and this entire area is known as a spiritual place. It’s a perfect place for reflection and when I started writing today, I couldn’t help but think that I wish I knew then what I know now when it comes to loss and grief.

Loss and grief are not strangers to me. I’ve known loss several times over the years and have carried grief since I was just 17 years old. But looking back on my grief journey, there are so many things I would have done differently.

It’s not that I’ve become good at grief. No one ever really masters grief and the truth is, every loss is different and people will grieve each and every loss in unique and different ways. And with each new loss that breaks hearts and turns life upside down, grief shows up without invitation and it doesn’t get any easier.

It doesn’t matter how many times you have walked the path of loss and grief. With each new loss, the devastation and pain start all over again.

With that being said, I have learned so much about loss, grief, and myself over the years and while you must find your own path and grieve in whatever way feels right for you, I wanted to share a few things with you.

I would have given myself permission to grieve and instead of hiding it away, I would have given my grief a voice and shared my story more. Stories are meant to be told and not only is it therapeutic to share but it gives others permission to do the same.

I would have given myself more time to grieve instead of folding under the pressures from a world that’s so uncomfortable with grief and failed to understand all I was going through. I would know that there are no timelines to grief and as hard as it is, I would have known that I would grieve some losses for the rest of my life. And that’s okay.

I wish I had known that I didn’t have to get over it or pretend I was fine when I was anything but fine. I would have been more honest with myself and my family and friends about just how painful grief really is.

I would have been more patient with myself and perhaps I would have been a bit more selfish and put my needs first once in a while. I would have given myself grace and stopped saying I’m sorry every time I cried.

I wish I had known that while there were things I had to take care of and do, there were so many other things that could wait and as I tell people often, when you can you will.

I would have asked for help more and known that grief IS exhausting and one person can’t do it all. That it’s okay to fall apart and need others to catch you and help you stand back up.

I wish I had known that not everyone is able to roll with the changes and walk with me through the dark seasons of my life. I would have surrounded myself with people who get it and have walked the path of grief too.

I would have rested more and taken better care of myself instead of numbing out with unhealthy coping tools and ignoring my well-being and health.

I would have let go of the shame and guilt and I would have stopped “shoulding” all over myself. Would’ve, could’ve, should’ve won’t change anything nor will it bring my loved ones back.

I would have showered myself with compassion and love instead of beating myself up and feeling like I was doing something wrong. I would have been kinder to myself and had my own back when no one else could.

I wish I would have known that to grieve is human and if the loss is big enough, life will be messy and a total shit show in the early days, weeks, and months. That the firsts are incredibly difficult to get through and sometimes year two and three are equally as hard.

I would have known that the missing, yearning, and longing never go away. And that even years later, grief will ambush you when you least expect it and bring you to tears.

I wish I had known that I didn’t always have to be strong and it’s okay to not be okay. That it’s okay to sob and have meltdowns. Even if it’s in the middle of the grocery store.

I would have known I could set boundaries for myself and it’s okay to say no or change my mind. I didn’t have to go to every party or suffer in silence in the middle of a crowded room. I would have known that there would be times when I felt incredibly lonely even when surrounded by family and friends.

I wish I had known how much loss changes people and that I wouldn’t be the same person as before. I would have met myself where I was and needed to be instead of trying to please everyone else.

I wish I had known that grief wasn’t the enemy and I’ve learned that grief is a necessary companion after loss turns everything upside down. I would have embraced it instead of trying to outrun it time and time again.

I wish I had known that I would survive even when it didn’t feel like I would. That I would learn to move forward in life and grow around my grief. I wish I had known that grief would soften with time and while different, I could live a purpose filled life again.

I wish I had known that I was grieving because of love and that love would carry me through the darkest of days.

The truth is, there are so many things I’ve learned about myself, life, and the journey of grief. I can’t fix your grief or change what’s happened to you, but I’m hoping some of these things will remind you to be gentle with your heart and grieve in whatever way you need to.

You are a beautiful human being trying to navigate a journey you never asked to take. You are not doing anything wrong and you too will learn many things along the way. There is no perfect way to grieve. There’s only grieving in a way that feels perfectly right for you.

I’m here to listen and I will always hold space in my heart for you and your grief regardless of the loss or how long it’s been. We are in this together and we can continue to learn and grow together. One loss at a time.

Sending you love always.

michele