Let Me Be A Mess
I watched the latest Sex And The City series “And Just Like That” over the weekend. While I had read mixed reviews I wanted to watch it and decide for myself. Without any spoiler alerts, there was a lot of content related to grief and one of the lines that stuck out to me the most was “let me be a mess.”
It is amazing how five words can land sometimes. One line out of a show reminded me of the importance of letting people feel exactly how they need to feel in the midst of grief.
People often struggle to do that. We want to make it better. To fix it when we know someone we love and care about is in pain.
But here’s the thing. Grief is not something to be fixed. It is not a problem to be solved. Grief is normal following loss and it needs to be felt. One needs to go through it to get to a place where healing all that feels so broken can begin.
We live in a culture of positivity. Look around you. There are checklists, articles and books offering tips on how to feel better, happier and more positive everywhere. Don’t get me wrong. We need to have access to uplifting things but it needs to be at the right time and when it is appropriate.
Brightsiding is, at times, toxically positive and while there is almost always good intentions behind it, brightsiding can make someone feel worse. Especially when someone insists that, no matter what the situation, you look for some type of positive or silver lining in it.
This is not helpful in grief. It can lead the grieving to feel pressured to move on or pretend all is fine when it is not. People often feel like they have to put a smile on their face and suck it up. Society puts unrealistic expectations on the grieving to hurry up and feel better. People want their loved ones to be okay and return to the person they were before.
That is a big ask and one that isn’t going to happen. Following a significant loss, life changes and people change. Things will never go back to exactly how they once were. How is that even possible?
The grieving shouldn’t have to rush through their grief or hide it because it makes others uncomfortable. The grieving should not feel like they need to justify their grief and tears. EVER.
What a person grieving needs most is to be able to grieve in whatever way feels right for them. There should be no expectations, pressure or demands. Grief needs to be seen and heard. People need to be able to feel all of the emotions that are flowing through them from one moment to the next.
The grieving need to be able to be a mess and for those of us standing on the sidelines watching someone’s grief journey unfold, we need to let them be a mess. For as long as they need.
I know that’s hard to watch and I get it. But it’s paradoxically one of the best gifts you can give to someone you love when grief shows up.
It is not your job to fix their grief but there are things you can do:
Sit with your loved one in their grief and witness it. Let them know their grief is valid and seen.
Listen. Listen. Listen.
Keep showing up. Don’t disappear because it feels uncomfortable. Your loved one needs you.
Avoid platitudes. Words matter so choose your words carefully. Sometimes it is important to be honest and admit you don’t know what to do or say. Sometimes it is as simple as giving a hug and saying I love you.
Be compassionate, kind and flexible. Let go of expectations and meet them right where they are versus where you want them to be.
Send or drop off care packages, mail a card or just pick up the phone.
Remember and acknowledge important dates.
Say their loved ones name if they are grieving the loss of a loved one.
Be specific about ways you can help. Offer to walk the dog, grocery shop, pick up dry cleaning or mow the lawn.
Let them cry and be sad. Let them be angry. Let them be exhausted. Let them be a mess.
Grief is everywhere and you are needed. Grief is messy, unpredictable and it ebbs & flows. It can be hard to support someone who is grieving but I can’t stress enough how important it is to be there and keep showing up.
Thank you for caring about your family, friends and colleagues. Thank you for trying to help and as confusing as it might be, remember that one of the best things you can do to support them is to let them be a mess.
Now back to Sex And The City “And Just Like That”, overall I really liked it. There were a lot of good reminders, nuggets and takeaways in each episode. Then again, I like almost every show I watch so you if you have watched it, I would love to hear your thoughts.
Sending love to anyone who is grieving and to all of you who are trying to support someone who is grieving. We are truly ALL in this together.
With Love and Compassion,
Michele